1 00:00:09,580 --> 00:00:11,840 Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper! 2 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:25,620 And among those appearing in tonight's show are Michael Robbins! 3 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,700 And special guests are Reflection! 4 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,540 Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet the star of our show. Here he is, Tommy Cooper. 5 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,600 Thank you. 6 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,960 What? Well, you should be under this, shouldn't you? 7 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,120 Oh, dear. 8 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,320 I always say a friend in need is a pest. Get rid of him. 9 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,380 And if at first you don't succeed, forget it. 10 00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:37,020 Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now. 11 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:43,300 It's a very famous egg bag trick. 12 00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:52,200 Now, this trick starts very slowly, and it gradually peters out. 13 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,360 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 14 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:02,460 Oh, 15 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:09,720 dear, oh, dear. Price papers ain't your bag trick. 16 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,960 Ditto. 17 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,659 Look, I'm leaking. 18 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:18,300 I was walking along the street the other day. They all say that, don't they? 19 00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:22,000 I was. I was walking along the street the other day. It was different. 20 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,300 And there was a little fence there, so I said to myself, I'll look over there. 21 00:02:28,180 --> 00:02:30,240 I didn't have to, you know, but I just thought to myself, I will. 22 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,000 So I looked over it like that. 23 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,160 And there was a little chick in there. 24 00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:39,320 A little roll -on in red. 25 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,000 And he didn't notice me for a minute. 26 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,420 He must have sensed I was there. 27 00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,740 Because he turned around and he looked at me like that. 28 00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:56,060 And I looked at him. 29 00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,680 And he was looking at me like that. And I looked at him. 30 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:06,160 And then he went... So I... And he went... 31 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:09,160 And a policeman came along and arrested us. 32 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,100 very, very closely. 33 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,320 They say it will vanish in front of your very eyes and you won't have the 34 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,660 slightest clue where it's gone. 35 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,820 What are we looking at? There's nobody up there. What are we looking at? 36 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:31,760 out to thunderous applause. 37 00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,960 It's not my night, is it? 38 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,880 I once been unlucky. Even when I was a little boy, I was unlucky. 39 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,800 I had a rocket once, and it died. 40 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,960 So, uh, I said to the doctor, 41 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,660 I said it hurts me when I do that. 42 00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:04,140 He said, well, don't do it. 43 00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:10,820 Oh, look at this. Water from India. 44 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,780 Was with a very long hot summer. 45 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,200 We would like some tea. 46 00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:50,980 It's very hot. 47 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,440 It's a large one on century, you see. 48 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:41,880 It's on guard duty. 49 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,900 And it's about four o 'clock in the morning. It's very dark. 50 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,100 He's got the rifle there. 51 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:55,280 And 52 00:06:55,280 --> 00:07:04,160 it's 53 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,300 turned in about four o 'clock in the morning. 54 00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:07,420 Very dark. 55 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,360 And he falls asleep. 56 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,520 Now, that's a crime, isn't it? 57 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,620 I mean, they could put him aside for that. 58 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,200 Straight away. 59 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,060 So he's standing there asleep like that. 60 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:23,520 Not like that, like that. 61 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:28,700 Just standing there. 62 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:33,740 And all of a sudden, the sergeant major comes round with the only officer. 63 00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:35,460 Marshal like that. 64 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,680 And now he's standing right in front of him. 65 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:44,840 And there he is asleep. 66 00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:47,960 There's a slide to measure like that. 67 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:58,000 But all of a sudden, he just opens his eyes just a little bit like that. 68 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,380 Not much, just a little bit like that. 69 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:10,790 And he can see I'm standing there, you see. 70 00:08:12,110 --> 00:08:13,530 So he's got to think quick now, hasn't he? 71 00:08:15,130 --> 00:08:16,450 Yeah, otherwise he's got to be inside. 72 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,210 So he stands like that for a few minutes. 73 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,770 And he opens his eyes, he says, Amen. 74 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,220 You may think that you've heard every single story about World War II, but let 75 00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:46,640 me tell you, this is not so. There's one experience that every soldier has 76 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:50,500 undergone, and that's when he's been asked to fight not the enemy, but in the 77 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,660 camp boxing tournament, and we do mean the camp boxing tournament. 78 00:11:53,860 --> 00:11:58,680 This, ladies and gentlemen, is a story of World War II of pure cowardice. 79 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:15,860 All right, sit down. 80 00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:27,220 What's it like out there, then? 81 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:29,280 I beg your pardon? 82 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,480 Oh, you must have been in a fight. 83 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,200 I've never seen a face bash to bash about in all my life. 84 00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:37,740 It's dreadful. 85 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,360 I haven't fought yet. 86 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,320 Oh, really? 87 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:43,740 I'm fighting you. 88 00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:46,960 Have you had the gloves on before? 89 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,360 Yes, when I was ten years old. 90 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:50,820 You've been fighting since you were ten? 91 00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:52,380 No. 92 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:56,200 My mother made me wear my boxing gloves so I wouldn't bite my fingernails. 93 00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:04,620 You're going to bash the hell out of me, aren't you? 94 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,160 You're going to shove me up in front of the officers out there, I know. 95 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,080 There's always one. 96 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:16,320 I mean, I think it's a dead liberty getting two complete strangers to bash 97 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,400 out of each other just to satisfy some bloodthirsty CEO. I'm going to put him 98 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,400 complaint about it. 99 00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:22,820 Really? 100 00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:28,340 I have never boxed before in my life. 101 00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:29,620 I don't want to get hurt. 102 00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:31,440 I mean, can't we work something out? 103 00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:32,820 Fake it? 104 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,980 I'm going to bash the hell out of you. 105 00:13:50,819 --> 00:13:51,840 I don't care. 106 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:53,960 It 107 00:13:53,960 --> 00:14:01,260 was 108 00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:02,280 a very good idea of yours. 109 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:06,960 Well, fake it. 110 00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:10,620 All right, then. 111 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,300 How are we going to go about it? 112 00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:16,380 Well, well... 113 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:30,110 I think we'll start off... We'll start off with a... 114 00:14:30,110 --> 00:14:32,410 Pardon? 115 00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:35,630 Well, they all do that, don't they? You see, they all do that in the boxing 116 00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:41,710 ring. They go... It looks good, doesn't it? And it sounds good. Yeah. It's good. 117 00:14:41,790 --> 00:14:43,070 I think so. It's a good idea. 118 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,330 Yeah, it's probably a good idea. It's a good idea, isn't it? Probably a good 119 00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:46,330 idea. 120 00:14:46,530 --> 00:14:48,570 Is he with you? Come on. Let's try it. 121 00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:52,570 Let's try it. All right. Now we're friends, yes. All right. 122 00:14:53,069 --> 00:14:54,069 Right you are. 123 00:14:56,210 --> 00:14:57,210 What was that? 124 00:14:58,790 --> 00:14:59,810 I've got nothing more to say. 125 00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:03,650 Righty -o. You ready? 126 00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:07,950 You ready? 127 00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:09,490 Should have went to clang then. 128 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,500 by two to one. 129 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,700 God, this is getting us nowhere. 130 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,700 I don't know about that. Oh, God. 131 00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:39,040 I don't know. I think with one foot, I could be lying on the floor. 132 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,820 Well, just try a little tap on your shoulder. 133 00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:05,060 Right, right, right. 134 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:07,880 Oh. 135 00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:09,880 That wasn't too bad. 136 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:11,400 Now it's my turn. 137 00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:13,880 No, no, no, no, no. Well, I've got to hit you. 138 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,400 No, we don't have to prove that now. 139 00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:18,400 Because we know we don't have to prove it anymore, do we? 140 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:19,659 We don't, do we? 141 00:16:19,660 --> 00:16:21,160 You big, clean puff. 142 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,520 What does he mean, clean puff? 143 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,100 Now, look, I have got it. 144 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:34,270 I have got a hit. you, otherwise I won't know whether I'm going to hurt you when 145 00:16:34,270 --> 00:16:35,410 we cut the actual thing, am I? 146 00:16:35,790 --> 00:16:38,310 Right. Well, all right, then. Well, just a little one, then. Right. Not like you 147 00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:39,310 did to that locker. 148 00:16:39,510 --> 00:16:40,610 No. No, right. 149 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:41,830 Where do you want it? 150 00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:03,710 It's the only test of pain, isn't it? Oh, right. 151 00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:06,889 How's that? 152 00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:08,010 Very good. I like that very much. 153 00:17:08,510 --> 00:17:11,569 From now on, keep them down there. Down there all the time. I can't hit you down 154 00:17:11,569 --> 00:17:12,569 there while we're fighting. 155 00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:15,609 Well, I can walk around the ring like that, can't I? Don't be so stupid. 156 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,569 I mean, that's hitting below the belt. Well, I won't wear a belt. 157 00:17:18,869 --> 00:17:21,010 That's got nothing to do with it, you stupid great fool. 158 00:17:21,329 --> 00:17:22,349 What are you, a fool? 159 00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:27,770 That hurt me, that did. 160 00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:30,470 Listen. 161 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:31,639 Do you want to fight? 162 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:35,380 I want to fight, yes. You want to fight? You want to fight? Yeah, I want to 163 00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:38,840 fight. I want to fight. I want to fight. You want to fight. I want to fight. I 164 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:39,840 want to fight. 165 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,480 I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. 166 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,820 Yuck. It's like cream puffs. 167 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,720 Oh, come on. Let's try again. It's having a workout. 168 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:49,639 Come on. 169 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,760 Come on. On your feet. 170 00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:52,020 On your feet. 171 00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:53,180 Right. 172 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,780 Go for his left eye, Jonesy. Watch out. I don't know. There's blood everywhere. 173 00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,900 Now, then, for his guts, you don't like a pack of cards. Ow! 174 00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:06,180 Ow! 175 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:07,680 Ow! 176 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,820 Just a minute. What? 177 00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:12,400 Can I have a quiet word with you? Yes. 178 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,440 Are you sure he's not with you? 179 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,640 Who? Tarzan. 180 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,040 Oh, yes, he's my second. 181 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:22,680 Well, you should have stuck with the first. 182 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,360 Tell him to keep out of this. Yes, you're quite right. You're quite right. 183 00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:28,620 Cedric, Cedric. 184 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,280 Will you, uh... 185 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,910 We'll finally keep out of this. 186 00:18:32,170 --> 00:18:34,210 We're trying to work out something together here. 187 00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:39,470 Do you really think I could open up his left eye? 188 00:18:40,130 --> 00:18:42,750 Of course you could. He'll go down like a pack of cards. 189 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:43,749 Ha -ha! 190 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:47,110 Yes, I really think I could take him. Ha -ha. Come on. Just a minute. Just a 191 00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:48,110 minute. 192 00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:54,970 You're not going to believe him, are you? 193 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,460 I thought you and I had an agreement. 194 00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:00,460 I'll tell Sergeant. I'll tell him you've both been trying to cook up a fake. 195 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:03,500 You'll get shoved in jankers, you big cream puff. 196 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,020 I'm most awfully sorry I got carried away. 197 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,840 I tell you something, what are we going to do now? 198 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,520 Well, we can't fake it anymore, can we? 199 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,660 He's going to tell the Sergeant otherwise, isn't he? 200 00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:16,380 Right, OK. 201 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,900 All right, over here, sir. 202 00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:22,340 I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to get a real package, a 203 00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:23,340 sack of punch. 204 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,960 No, not a pack of... A sucker punch. A sucker punch. A real punch. 205 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,240 Right. 206 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,620 Yes. See, we'll do a real sucker punch. Yes. 207 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,720 And it'll be all over, won't it? You're quite right. 208 00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:41,780 It's worth it for one punch, isn't it? Yes. We'll try the sucker punch. 209 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:07,130 and welcome once again to Fez to Fez, an intense and searching interview with a 210 00:20:07,130 --> 00:20:08,130 great mind. 211 00:20:08,190 --> 00:20:10,190 Look, before you go on, I'd like to tell you a little joke. 212 00:20:12,070 --> 00:20:17,330 See, I'll say, I'll say, it won't go on, it won't go on, and you say, what won't 213 00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:18,129 go on? 214 00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:20,570 I'm sorry, Tommy, but we do have to press on with the interview. 215 00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:22,310 It will only take five seconds. 216 00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:26,020 Nevertheless, I have a lot of very, very serious questions to ask you tonight. I 217 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:29,260 want to ask you about your family, your views on marriage, and so on and so 218 00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:33,240 forth. And we haven't got the time. If you want to tell a joke, you save it 219 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,119 next time, right? 220 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,400 I want to get on with the serious questions of this interview. 221 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,680 I could have done the joke five times. 222 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,100 What have you been talking? 223 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,640 Now, the first question is the obvious one. Do you have a family of your own? 224 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,480 Yes. A boy and a girl. 225 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,790 Ah. So naturally, you have a wife. 226 00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:00,230 Look, 227 00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:04,070 if you're going to tell a joke like that, why can't I tell my joke? 228 00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:11,830 Do you believe in the sociological compatibility of marriage as an 229 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:13,010 in the 20th century? 230 00:21:13,430 --> 00:21:15,070 Look, as I said, it won't go on. 231 00:21:16,590 --> 00:21:19,890 As I say, it won't go on, it won't go on, and he says, what won't go on? 232 00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:24,720 It's all over like a flash. Just like a flash of light. What's your view on the 233 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,480 vexed question of relations within the family unit? 234 00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:34,480 Well... I had a big aunt once. 235 00:21:35,940 --> 00:21:39,360 And she was... What's the word I'm looking for? 236 00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:40,740 An eccentric. 237 00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:42,060 No, no, no. 238 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,400 What country? 239 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,520 Country? 240 00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:46,100 Chile? 241 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,480 Romania? 242 00:21:48,189 --> 00:21:50,570 Chili. That's it. Your great aunt with chili. 243 00:21:50,770 --> 00:21:52,110 No, no, she wasn't. No, no. 244 00:21:54,130 --> 00:21:55,290 Slightly cold, but not chili. 245 00:21:57,310 --> 00:21:58,310 Finland. 246 00:22:00,950 --> 00:22:02,210 Just a minute. I've got to chuckle there. 247 00:22:07,750 --> 00:22:13,710 Well, if it wasn't chili, it could have been Finland or Austria or Brazil. 248 00:22:13,930 --> 00:22:15,030 Brazil, that's it. Brazil. 249 00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:16,710 She was nuts. 250 00:22:32,790 --> 00:22:34,270 What made you think she was nuts? 251 00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:36,870 Once she came back to this earth again, she'd come back as a chicken. 252 00:22:38,530 --> 00:22:40,490 What's so funny? Well, I ate her this morning. 253 00:22:43,790 --> 00:22:44,790 That's it, I've had it. 254 00:22:45,770 --> 00:22:46,729 That's it. 255 00:22:46,730 --> 00:22:48,310 I have... Smile, all right. 256 00:22:48,530 --> 00:22:49,530 That is... 257 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,580 I don't know. I was... I was willing not to do this interview in the first 258 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:58,300 place. I mean, slaving over the question for hours and hours. Trying to do a bit 259 00:22:58,300 --> 00:22:59,300 of research. 260 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:03,320 You've got sweat and blood. You come in here. What do you get? A load of 261 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:04,620 rubbish. I mean, you know. 262 00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:08,600 I mean, I could have done it about half an hour ago. It just won't go on. It 263 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:09,600 won't go on. 264 00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:12,700 Well, he's just dragging it out. He keeps dragging it out. He keeps talking 265 00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:15,000 me. Oh, no, the rubbish he keeps talking to me about. 266 00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:16,500 I know he's going to say... 267 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,100 No, I've got to say, it won't go on, it won't go on. He said, what won't go on? 268 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,120 That's it. 269 00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:24,140 I mean, if this show doesn't get a lot, they're going to take it off. That's it, 270 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,200 they're going to take it off. 271 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,620 I mean that. It just won't go on, it won't go on. All right, what won't? This 272 00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:30,860 show, I keep telling you, it won't go on.